It’s been so long since I’ve posted…I don’t even know where to begin. I could make some lame excuses about not having internet for a week, but that’s still only one week. Anyway, I guess, I can try to cover some of the things that have happened recently…
– The most important of which is losing on the TV show. Yes, I lost.
– How did I lose? Well, there was a magnificent build up to this, of course. Lemme run through it:
– Episode 1 – I somehow got first of about 12-15 people in the first episode. A story I already posted about.
-Episode 2 – Team MEIGUO – They called me and asked me to form a team of Americans to do the same thing. I didn’t quite understand what it would be….if it was the same exact show…why we were a team…what our team would be doing….how we would compete as a team…so many things that I just did not know.
—-oh and we had to create a team chant and wear uniforms.
So, naturally, every person I am friends with who is a foreigner had to teach on Sunday (they don’t quite understand the concept of holidays, and we often have to make-up classes that are canceled for holidays…) Therefore, I had to recruit people from Xiangtan, a city an hour away. In the end, we had our group of 6 people (2 from xiangtan and the other 3 – friends of my from changsha).
Since the show was Sunday morning, that meant we would be a bit hungover. But, it didn’t matter. Nicole, a friend from Xiangtan was staying at my apartment so we were fairly sure we wouldn’t oversleep. And, we didn’t. We made it on time. And with our makeshift uniforms–White T-Shirts (each with a separate letter that would spell MEIGUO–America in Chinese–when we stood in the correct order), Trucker Hats, Wrist Bands, and Fake Tattoos (mine was a snake on the neck, which the host thought was real).
Unfortunately, Alayna overslept and we only had 5 people. Fortunately, Anne Marie was awake (8 am on a sunday…Anne Marie, what were you doing awake???) and she heroically filled in.
Highlights of episode 2:
– We were apparently competing against a team of 6 robin hood/peter pan/teletubbie crossbreeds (ages ranging from 30 to 45)
– Our chant would be the cheer from Bring it On …with about 2 Chinese words mixed in:
“BRRRRRR…meiguo zhe li (or right here, we all kind of said something different), there must be some meiguo in the atmosphere.
I said BRRRRRR…meiguo right here, there must be some meiguo in the atmosphere….
I said (3 people) 0OOoooOooOoOooOoo — (the other 3 people) bing bing bing
shuo man yi diannnnnn
I said OOOOoOoOoOoOoOoOOoOoOoOoOOo – biiiiiing biiiiing biiiiiing”
—so anyway, that was our chant.
– The host asked who was team captain…apparently, that was me. which meant that I had to do a lot of talking (well, not that much, but when your vocabulary is as minimal as mine, any conversation that goes past 30 seconds well…is less of a conversation and more of them talking at you…and when it’s being aired on TV…..you know…
– I had to go first for our team. I stalled out for a solid minute. When I finally started the car, I floored it. I did terribly. But, they had neglected to start the clock so I reached the water pit at about 10 seconds. Then I ran across….and fell in. I made a pathetic attempt at clinging to the tires to no avail. FAIL.
– Clearly, I had set the pace for our team. Everyone stalled out (although, they only displayed my embarrassing stall-out in the actual episode…thank you very much….the camera in the car showed my panic-stricken face as clear as can be)
– Tim, Nicole, and I fell in. Jason didn’t even finish the first part, he stalled out and couldn’t start. So he just ran all the way through (he didn’t fall in, but during the episode on TV they did show a slow motion of him running through the dangling balls which was incredibly hilarious).
– They didn’t DQ Vinny, although they should have, and so he somehow ended up with the fastest time…meaning he would be in the semi-finals with me…
– The peter pan robin hoods crushed us…
– I stole their sign that displayed how many finishers they had, and they almost had a heart attack.
– We created new chants: MEIGUO MEIGUO ROCK YOU!!!!
– Although, we were destroyed, we stole all of the camera time. The other people were barely even showed driving. Instead, they aired things such as us modeling with their actual models and us singing and dancing…
– even at the end when we lost, the cameras were on us dancing
– We lost in the most spectacular of ways is the way Anne Marie put it
– And as our consolation prize? Engine Oil. It is proudly on display in my TV room here.
– Oh, and the upside of falling in the water….it made the marker from my G (I was the G of Guo) bleed and look completely bad ass…
– We left thinking we were in the finals (Vinny and I that is). Little did we know…there was even more…
– 3 – Semi-Finals
– Semi-Finals were on a Friday morning. I got a phone call about NEEDING to go to a meeting on Wednesday afternoon. Don’t people work??? Neither Vinny nor I could make it. I told them I didn’t care about the new rules or the order that we would have to go, and just to call me and let me know. In actuality, I did care about the rules, but come on, there was no way I was going to win anyway.
– New rules: Both Vinny and I had to bring a friend.
– Why? No reason. Or well, they couldn’t explain. No one on their staff spoke English that well. And well, over the next 2 days, I would receive numerous phone calls changing and updating the situation.
– 1 – we needed a friend because we would be blindfolded while driving at one part (soooo soooo safe)
– 2 – we would have to eat cake (a whole cake? they wouldn’t say)
– 3 – what were the new rules? (don’t worry about it…we’ll tell you later)
—since it was a friday, it was a struggle to find a partner. And finally, Zak said he could make the trip up from Xiangtan. Gotta have a Xiangtan rep present…
– We arrive, gameday, ready to tear it up.
– New rules: for each obstacle hit, 10 seconds were added to the overall time. we were blindfolded only for the first section. and the cake turned out to be tiny little muffins (Zak and I had been starving ourselves for 24 hours anticipating a cake!). 4-6 of them depending one what number we rolled with the giant dice.
– We were on the second show. It was separated into 2 semi-final episodes. 12 people in each. the top 3 would advance from each group to the finals.
– the first show people were wearing ridiculous Chinese traditional gown things. We hoped to be dressed in such amazing fashion. But no.
– the semi-finals was broken down even further into two teams of 6. My team was the clowns. We would wear clown wigs. The other team were the Radins. Or whatever that guy from Mortal Combat’s name is….They were wearing those big conical shaped hats that are used sort of as umbrellas.
– I was to go about 3rd or 4th overall.
– Before going, Zak and I decided it was necessary to listen to the best jam ever – Nothing Compares by Sinad O’connor. The host saw that we had an ipod to play in the car, and told us that we could play it over the loudspeaker instead. We did. And well, what happened next probably horrified everyone. Zak and I did interpretive dance to the first minute and 8 seconds of nothing compares. And, well, no one realizes how long a minute and 8 seconds is until they actually do this.
– The hosts (and other people) came up to me about twenty times before I actually got in the car. They were all terrified that I would crash because I’ve been known to be reckless, almost hitting the wall, even, in the second episode. I was given two rules: Don’t hit the camera and don’t hit the walls.
– Sporting my jean vest (no shirt underneath) and my clown hair, how could I contain my excitement? I jumped off the stage when I was instructed towards the car…and I almost took out the huge camera on the crane thing.
– Inside the car, with Zak, and my blindfold, I started to get nervous. The director then came over and fixed my blindfold so that it looked like I was blindfolded, but I was still able to see (yessssss!!!)
– I had rolled a 4, which meant only 4 muffins. Yessssss!!!
– I stalled out! NO!!! Okay, only for one second. I started it up and cruised through. I pounded two obstacles in the first section (20 seconds penalty) and another 2 in the 3rd section (I didn’t mess up in the 2nd section which meant avoiding a DQ). We reached the muffin stand way faster than anyone else (Zak unfastened my seat belt for me, later claiming this is the sole reason for the success..)
– I ate one muffin. Zak ate about 1 and threw the others on the ground. A plan we had previously decided on. Cheating was clearly the only way I could win.
– I got to the tires and began to crawl across. Too many people were falling in, and I didn’t want to risk elimination (falling in meant an instant DQ).
– I had no idea how unstable it would be…but….I made it across, and pressed the button at 51 seconds. With 4 seconds of penalties, that put me at 1 minute and 31 seconds. Fastest time thus far!
– I then danced all over the stage trying to avoid having to speak. When I finally was interviewed, they asked my favorite food, and I said eggplant (two old ladies laughed at me and said that it was girl’s food to Zak….old bitches!)
– I then was instructed to sit in the car…by myself…for basically the whole episode while everyone else stood outside having fun. Although it was supposed to be the thrown, it felt way more like I was in Time Out.
– The 2nd last person beat me, and I had to turn over my thrown…of course, at this point, it did feel like a thrown. I had been de-throwned. Sad.
– So, I got 2nd overall. Vinny had 5 penalties, so he got 5th overall. So he would not be joining me in the finalssss.
– This time, my team, the clowns, won. So, I won a sick remote control Audi. And since I was top 3, I won another container of Motor Oil. Motor oil which Zak sold to some guy for 100 Yuan the second I turned my back (hahaha, bastard).
– Anyway, I got 2nd this day. I was going to the finals. With a 50 percent chance at winning a car (or so I thought…). I had to return 2 days later to compete…go for the gold!
This post is too long. I’ll post about the finals later.